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"The most socially unacceptable
thing I can think of would be to take off your pants in a bathroom stall,
then lie on your side on the floor and pee all over the legs of the person
in the next stall." Congratulations on winning, Allan, even though it means nothing and you get nothing!! So here's the Quotes Page - click on a person's name to see their picture and bio!! Browse through it or if you're looking for someone specifically and you're using Internet Explorer go to "Edit" then "Find (on this page)" and type 'em in!! Have fun and lemme know what you think!! Enjoy!! 2006 Quotes of Jamie's Day - 2005 Quotes of Jamie's Day December 2007 "Let me ask you something - is your head still in it?" "I just thought you should know that we are getting a new
microwave... one that matches the dishwasher... you should be happy about
that!" "So the student director is all upset and comes up to me
and tells me that one of the girls is hungover. I went over to talk
to her, she told me she was fine as she was slurring her words and speaking
slowly. Then she told me she was hit in the head really hard.
I realized she wasn't hungover, she had a concussion." "Diversity is the name of an old wooden ship." "I tried to nap, failed, ate Velveeta and drank Pepsi and
read about The Roman Empire, then talked to Lindsay, who told me I was
underweight so I ate a sandwich and drank more Pepsi even though I wasn't
hungry, then I went to sleep around midnight" "I thought his dick exploded." "Oh, oops." November 2007 "You're not a giant, you know." "We're sad to see you go, but wish
you all the best." "Jamie, you made my day! Bless you
and I hope you produce lots of beautiful or at least joyful music with
it!" "I've been killing a turkey every day
between Canadian Thanksgiving and American Thanksgiving to protest the
different date. We'll eat well this weekend. I've been putting them
in tubs in the back yard. I've had to set out a scarecrow, a scarerat,
a scarecat, a scarepossum and a scaremaggot. But it beats the cost of
refridgeration." "Maybe you should put some of the stuff into storage...
Don't worry, I know enough not to suggest you throw out anything that
no longer works, or you no longer use." "I have to submit a revised proposal
this friday, and I'm hoping to meet with my advisor before then to get
some kind of feedback, but it's been hard with him being almost completely
unavailable - even by email... He was really hard to get in touch with,
and of course I didn't want to bother him on his vacation, and definitely
not while he was waiting for his dad to die" "Thank you for jumping my car last
night." "I don't think it was deleted because
of inactivity." "Since I fortunately do not have a
car it would be very handy to bring my desktop computer to and from school
on the bus, especially on those rainy days... Now that I am informed
on the low price of ponchos I feel this would be a very advantageous thing
to do. You're definitely a wise brother." "This isn't 'Traditional Christmas.'" "Well that's too bad, time to start
a letter writing campaign I figure. 'Dear writer/director. We the undersigned
feel that Jame should make out with someone in this play. Please react
accordingly.' We could probably come up with a couple thousand signatures." "Know what I was for Halloween? Just
some hoe in a hoe costume. It's sad." "Yep, no more." "You were mostly ontime with everything
- although you wet the bed consistently 'till you were 3. That's
when I found out wetting the bed is fairly common. After that you
would only wet the bed for a week whenever the seasons changed.
I still have no idea why you did that." "Can I ask you the $46,000 question??...
Okay, the $46,000 question is can I ask you the $96,000 question??" October 2007 "Look!! It's Edward Scissorhands!!" "Call an ambulance!" "I went to the theatre today, and the theatre building was
locked and closed. Did you actually have a show today?" "Click
Here for the Quote of Jamie's Day" "This fat woman was next to me and
kept looking at the calories I was burning 'cause I started like a minute
after her and after 15 minutes had nearly doubled the calories she'd burned...
she was going backwards." "I just wanted to let you know that
my character's name is Jamie in the play I'm doing. I'm telling
you so when you come see it, you don't answer whenever someone asks a
question with your name in it." "I think I heard the gayest thing ever.
I was in the bathroom at school and I heard one guy say, 'I dropped the
soap.' Then another guy asked, 'Are you in the shower?' The
first one responded, 'Yes.' Then the second guy goes, 'Oops.
I dropped the soap too.' I blocked it out of my head until I was
leaving, the showers turned off at the same time, and the first guy said,
'That was the best shower ever.'" "Did I tell you about the guy at 'Anne Frank'? There
was a robber in the house and someone knocked over a pot. Then a
guy in the audience stood up and yelled, 'They're in the attic!'" "That goes without saying!" "We regret that you are
unsatisfied with the amount of compensation offered for inoperative inflight
entertainment. The amount offered is the amount allowed under our guidelines.
We realize that $15 will not compensate you for missing the game you hoped
to watch, however it is a sincere gesture of apology and goodwill
for your inconvenience." "Other than the two women
that talk all the time when they are on the floor our team is really not
bad at all, and get along great... I thought they were like 19 y/o girls
that just came to pick up... No, they are 31... and they live together...
talk at home, don't talk when you are playing hockey!" "Ow, ow, ow, ow." "I put the Chipotle barbeque
sauce on there because the sweet and sour sauce is extra if you don't
get McNuggets." "Dany Heatley scored twice as the Ottawa Senators
beat the Toronto Maple Leafs in overtime." "The first
sleepover we had you were like, 'We can't have sex... Look at the
sign.'" "This show
blows!" September 2007 "Guys from
the Washington Capitals keep coming into the store, and I haven't had
the heart to tell them how sorry I feel that they have to be on such a
loser team." "I have the
best college roommate ever. He alternates between drinking and doing
drugs on weekdays, and then does both on weekends... Last night
some girl came over and they got drunk. That was fine until I was
almost asleep and was startled by a scream... A scream from them having
sex." "Hey, looking
at my schedule it looks like Tuesday's, Wednesday's, Monday's, and Friday's
work for me. Which ever you feel works best for you, or which ever day
you get hungry on first, 'cause with your beard gone now, I don't think
you have to eat as much." "Ewww... Jamie, please
keep in mind that your sister does look at your status sometimes... and
statuses such as the present one gross her out!!" "I'm sorry,
we can't find the magnet." "You have been poked by
Lynden Somerton" "Soo I was scrolling thru
the quotes page and came across my name clicked my name and it talked
about how I have no leg hair... You have clearly not seen my legs
lately, I think it's time for an update eh???" "You're going to shave
that, right?? I think you're just from Spain - I don't think you're
from the Spanish Civil War." "I think it's perfectly
reasonable if there's a line of people standing behind the priest nodding
in agreement at a wedding." "It didn't come in today." "What
are you doing?? Why aren't you attacking Nate?? Why didn't
you kill him?? You could have killed him!! You should have
killed him!!" August 2007 "What if you became an
NHL goalie but then you were drafted to the Toronto Maple Leafs??" "I never took dance when
I was little. My parents were done with taking kids to classes after my
sisters. My pastime was jumping from tall objects." "You're my hero, Jamie." "I went to the beach today.
I saw a disgruntled seagull who shrieked at consistent intervals which
lead me to assume that he was either a) dipleased with his color of feathers
or b) announcing the time." "With obesity rates on
the rise and kids spending more time indoors, the California Roundtable
on Recreation, Parks and Tourism has developed the California Children's
Outdoor Bill of Rights... this list of 10 easy and fun activities is recommened
for children... "Is that our chariot?" "Actually I'll leave a
treat for the pschitsophrenic lady who guards the cob of corn that she
religiously nails to the tree outside my apartment for them to eat...
she FREAKS out if you take it down... So we have a squirel infestation.
And they're very territorial because it's such a honey pot for them. So
they do nothing but fight and scream all day. The landloard won't
do anything about it because he's afraid she'll attack him in his sleep...
(yes, I live in the upper class part of town in case you were wondering)" "Get over here!!
The game's over, I'm going to make that jersey bloody!!" "Nate would be very happy
if his bed was so filled with dogs that he couldn't move." "Did they use mentally
challenged people?" "You won't die. Just don't
try sleeping outside, naked... and run away from dangerous animals.
And don't fall into the campfire." "It's just like Christmas in August Jamie!" "No wonder your comedy
career is going so well." "New York Rangers fans celebrate winning the
Stanley Cup and give credit to General Manager Jamie Scheel." "Do you know when I'm
coming?" July 2007 "Ususally properly dressed and groomed.
Few poor personal habits." "Where are the hyneenas??" "You went
one night and crumpled up newspaper for 10 minutes until you started reading
the paper instead." "You can have the rest.
I saw a commecial for chocolate cake on TV so I went and bought one." "'I hang out with my friends
through videogames sometimes... Like World of Warcraft - but I still prefer
in person... Sometimes we make a cool strategy and, you know, conduct
it online to defeat our enemies.' "Now I called and you
didn't pick up even though it was important." "All you have to do is
get really pale... And get really black hair... And walk around." "British Airways had lots
of good cheep ways to get over, but no suggestions on cheap ways to get
back." "Cute." "Is that potato salad??
I can't believe that's potato salad. I don't like potato salad...
I mean, I like potato salad, but not as a drink. I don't know why
anyone would like it as a drink. I like it as a salad, though.
It's really good. " "Hello, Jamie, it's your
mother. Don't worry, nobody died, I just want to know what color
you want for Christmas this year." "Did you accompany the
fireworks with your violin?" "I got you Fourth of July
presents!!" "I got a kitten!!!!!!...
We still have to bottle feed her (kinda sucks) but she is so stinkin'
cute I could eat her (but I wouldn't, that would be gross and I would
most likely cry while eating her and for a long while after)." "...and did I mention
the free pickles??... They're even better than your grandma's." June 2007
"Did you get my message
about Casey?... He had poison ivy. HAHAHAHAHAHA... On his
BUTT!... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Dad sent him to the emergency
room it was so bad... HAHAHAHAHA... It was HILARIOUS." "There's no air conditioning and my back is
dripping!" "You can go home." "Also, you took a big
hit at the DQ for Amber and I, so I'm not going to push my luck. I know
you are saving up to win Lilan's heart." "All you need to do is
let your hair grow... Then you'll be like Jesus." "You sick b*stard" "Casey and I are about
to go try and play tennis again. We tried to play earlier, but his digestive
system decided to be mean and he had to poop in the woods twice. After
the second time, he didn't want to play anymore. He just wanted a shower." "I'm sooooooo excited. That weekend is the
highlight of my summer. Jamie Scheel and Harry Potter. A girl's dream
come true..." "It was team work. Maybe thats why I
wasn't tired!" "How can you just stand
there impotently hiding muffins under the bench??" "France has declared Independence
from its opressor USA" "Jim and I both think
you're very nice. You were raised well too, just a little too rural."
"You definitely look like a Greek
God." "Could you guys please be quiet??
I have an 8-year-old son and a premature baby." "Fine, I'm sorry and we'll go to Sonic
after and I'll pay." "Jamie, that's not a secret.
If it's only about you and you're not going to tell anyone, that's called
a thought." "Well they wouldn't fit in a belly
if they were big." "They have Hello Kitty sh*t everywhere."
"I will Xerox a copy of the script
(that's right, the WHOLE SCRIPT), drive it up to you in L.A., run lines
with you until dawn, and then be on-call via my cell phone. I'm not a
doctor saving lives, but it's worth it. Our two characters MAKE that show...
about 2 minutes longer. " "Google Street View is the POV of an
aimless drifter. It's only a matter of time before it heads out into the
country and starts killing sexy teenagers at a campground in terrifying
yet intriguing ways." "That was comedy at its best."
May 2007 "We were in line at the Angels game
to buy hot dogs for 40 MINUTES... And by the time we got our hot dogs,
there was one minute left in the third period (of the Ducks vs. Senators
game). We decided to skip going back to the Angels game (even though we
had already missed three innings) so that we could watch the end of the
Hockey game surrounded by Ducks fans. It was a sad and depressing moment
not only having the Senators lose, but having Ducks fans stare us down
as we booed the results." "Mike Jamieson and Jennifer Bleakney
are engaged." "Dear Christina- "Well keep me posted... If there is anything I can do to
help, let me know... I'm good at breaking knee caps and hearts!"
"Travis Moen scores!"
"At least we have a railing."
"I missed my flight because my mom
decided to take the scenic route... I'm 49th on the standby list...
I might get on a plane if the 24 people on connecting flights are delayed
long enough... Get me at the United terminal." "If Bullet dies, just bury him."
"inspirational quotes to send boyfriend for an exam"
and "curling iron rape revenge" "Get out of the shower, cat!!" "But thats nothing - about a day later
and I'm only taking extra strength tylenol. I'm all man... If I
could move I'd flex... I got a little to excited last night when
the Senators scored their first goal and went to jump up and hurt myself." "I can't get on my computer right now because the surge
protector got fried or something, and I need to find a new one or something...
My brother Casey needs to look at it, and he's sick right now and
can't do anything but moan like he's dying." "And congratulations to Jamie, most
improved player tonight." "I'd help you clean your room but I
don't think (my boyfriend) Micah would like your rules." "Well I could have a husband if I wanted
- they looove white girls hahaha... I always get guys coming up
to me asking to have their picture with me - pretty funny... At
first I thought it was weird - and then realized Chinese people are just
crazy - and that's how they roll." "I think it would be cool if your name was Schamie Jeel.
Hahah. Schamie." "It sucks... I need to sell fruit or something to
grow my soul back." "I think if I ever have to do a review of 'Fiddler On The
Roof,' whether I liked it or not, I must call it 'Hiel Fiddler.'" "Jamie, are you alive??... Okay,
I just don't want you to drown." "You sure are... Not something
you usually want to celebrate... But in this case it's ok." "He was 100% himself... Except
that they shaved parts of both of his arms and he looks like he is wearing
wristbands. He's a cute punk rock kitty!" "I don't want to single anybody out,
and I don't know if it's because you do improv or what Jamie, but it's
very unprofessional to touch props from other shows. It's also unprofessional
to leave your phone on during rehearsal." "Haha. Yeah. I will never forget when
he got on the bus and left and we were all crying. His Mom goes, 'I'm
just sad that he has to go to New Jersey for two months. My poor boy...'" "I had to move my bed away from the wall." "(St. Louis) Cardinals officials expressed sadness at the
news (that a pitcher died while drunk driving) and said the team will
re-examine what it can do to warn players of the dangers of drinking and
driving. "I think it's probably a wake-up call to everybody,"
general manager Walt Jocketty said at a news conference at Busch Stadium.
"The one thing they have to understand is they're not invincible." "Well first of all, in 5 years you
will be married to Christina Aguilera, and Claire would know that." "Ugh! I don't wanna be a grown-up
anymore" "Ok I'll add you, how exciting! You
can be my 5th friend! Not that Tom the MySpace man is a friend - he's
just there and invited himself!" April 2007 "I just want you to know I feel terrible." "My favorite part about working there
was taking the Recyclying Bin we had out front and dumping all the stuff
into the garbage everynight." "It would be awesome if it was meat
or something." "And it reminds me of being a 6-year-old
little girl." "Happy Birthday!!" "I'm in class... I just realized
I'm wearing two different shoes." "Jamie, the next time you have a girl
spend the night, regardless of your intentions, you have to wake her up
when you leave in the morning." "I think she's high." A whole bunch of great birthday wishes. "You should ask Ross how he did on
his driver's test. In his words, he failed before it began.
The tester said to move the car out back, and he did, but apparently to
the wrong spot. So the tester told Ross where to move it, and in
the process he backed into another car. Isn't exactly conducive
to passing a driver's test." "Did they then call him 'Little Bo Pee'?" "My nephews still shower with their
parents sometimes, so when my brother Bo went to visit they wanted to
shower with him too. Ian was almost 5 and Cullen was turning 3 and
they kept begging, so Bo let them shower with him. They were all
in the shower and then Ian and Cullen started peeing on Bo! He couldn't
yell for help since he was in the shower, so he was telling them to stop,
but that just made them laugh more and pee harder." "So we have these vending machines at work with buttons
the size of my face. And I've always wanted to push one with my
face, so today I did." "Well, I know you would love to hear
my voice, but we could just email you know. I’ve heard people do
it all the time. What do you think?" "I thought I had a dental appointment,
but got there and was told I didn't." "Your birthday is on Friday.
I bet you're crossing off the days on your calendar... Actually,
I know you're not doing that because your calendars are probably still
on March." The most obscene vulgarities that you could
ever imagine put together in giant sentences which somehow always include
Michael Chiklis having sex with weird parts of the body "I was in a play and I got to use a
real gun that was converted so it would shoot blanks. My ex-boyfriend
John came to see the show and was sitting in the second row, right behind
where I aim the gun at the girl I'm supposed to shoot... He thought
the gun was real and that I was interrupting the show to shoot him." "You know, sometimes being your friend
is like being back in high school. A high school where you have to write
a math exam every single day." "Anything goes at Carleton U... I may
even write the thing in crayon... 'Hey my crayon ran out, got some
lipstick or something?'" "Cry. On the grass!" "Me and my cousin are rocking out." "Jamie, the suffering is over.
Today is Resurrection Day." "My friend Andrea got a traffic ticket
and had to go to the courthouse to pay it. She was planning on paying
it, but while she was waiting she read read her ticket and the cop described
her as a 700-pound man. So now she's fighting it." "He walked in with a crucifix, and
then left just as oddly as he came. Not a word uttered not a glance stolen." "I like those boxers on you." "We are getting on swimmingly.
She has a bad case of the Eriks. Only thing that can cure that is
some of Dr. Erik Two Ball Compound." "Oh crap, Jamie there was one other
bathing suit I wanted you to look at." "Here's my order of funniest guys (in
backwards order): "Okay. I'll let you paint my
dad's car instead. Make sure you don't tell my dad I gave you permission...
Tell him you're a psychotic maniac who doesn't know any better." "Then you'd reply, "I'm a ninja"... Then
they'd reply, "No you're not"... Then you'd reply, "That's
just what my ninja disguise is all about"... Then they'd be
like, "Jamie, stop flicking my ear"... And you'd say,
"More like, you stop flicking my ear!"... Then they'd
say "Jamie, are you licking your own foot?"... And you'd
say, "Maybe I am"... Then they'd leave you alone" "Why are we taking pictures of each
other??" March 2007 "Why didn't you come and audition for me?? I have
a perfect part for you." "Whatever you do, don't let him take
your sandbag." "A curling iron - the fire may be hot,
but my hair would be hotter. Ooooh snap." "And Justin stood right in front of
me. At one point Matty was in hysterics and screamed 'I love you
Justin!' And Justin looked over and said 'I love you too.' I looked
at Matty and his head was in his hands and he was crying... I was
reduced to a 13-year-old girl and so was Matty." "Then she talked me about you.
And GUESS whose wedding we'll be going to in two years? You haven't
met the girl yet, but once you do you'll completely fall in love because
she's your one true love." "I gots to get this bus to its DESTINATION, yo." "Does your ex-girlfriend like your
face?: "There is nothing that I hate doing in front of people more
than crying (except maybe going to the bathroom)." "Well, thanks for telling me.
I'm going to give her a call. " "I suppose we should. If we announce
it, then we'll actually have to do it." "Hey Gilligan, listen closely. Do you hear that sound??
I think it's the Fart Boats." "My friend Michelle is learning the
song 'Walk Away' by Christina Aguilera. She asked me if I heard
of it and I said no because I only listen to good music but then Ii thought
to myself, 'You know who probably has heard of it? Jamie.'" "I know the ocean is in the general
direction of west." "This morning I wrote down which color mask each of the
Ninja Turtles wears just in case it was important to know later. I wrote
this information on a napkin with a spot of spilled coffee on it so I
don't know how long I'll be keeping it on hand." "Never say you are better than KangTa.
No one is better than KangTa. Infact, KangTa beat Jesus Christ in ping
pong. That's how awesome he is." "I'm doing alright. I had a wonderful
nap inside my sleeping bag (so I didn't have to re-make my bed...)" "I was talking to Brian and he was
telling me some ideas he had for another 'Jaws' movie. I think if
I made another 'Jaws' movie, on the DVD I'd have a recording of my voice
going D-V-D-V-D-V-D-V-D-V-D-V-D-V..." "It was really foggy out this morning,
huh? I was driving to work today in the fog, and I thought, 'I hope
a kangaroo doesn't jump out.' Yeh, I have too much time to think." "Sorry. I have no idea what's
going on." "Hmm, that's weird... Maybe Erik
took some weight from you." "I was in a 2-year relationship and
then I got randomly dumped the same day my best friend at work left, and
my dad had a stroke." "So he said, 'You need to find a punishment
for me,' and I was like, 'No I don't, I'm not your mother - find your
own punishment.'" "I kept wondering if my movie ratings would be better if
I made some of my guys more feminine looking. You know? You can give them
women's haircuts and stuff. That would probably make them unhappy with
their images, but I just don't know how well 1930's movie goers cope with
the relationships portrayed in my films..." "I'm actually trying not to be a heavyweight." "I've got to go to Vegas to play the
Sardine Machines." "Aww.... Thanks Jamie! I like how you
have never told me that I'm pretty... you always refer to what other people
tell you." "Why is she singing in gibberish??" "Yes, yes and yet sadly it is my tragic
fate to join Butt Butts. (Shakes head and sighs)" "Did he say anything about me??" "Ryan and I got home at 6am on Thursday
morning. I had been driving ALL night, was exhausted, and we both passed
out. Like, not even an hour later, I woke up and started freaking out
when I saw a man asleep in my bed. I was like, "Holy crap, what did
I do!?!?!" I was half naked, freaking out, climbing out of bed, when
Ryan rolls over and says, "What? Is it time to get up?" And
that's when I realized who it was, what was going on, and that I was stupid." "So
it was towards the end of the date and he said, 'Umm, I was wondering...
I taped an episode of 'The Office' and thought maybe we could go back
to my place to watch it. No pressure, you know. If you don't
want to, that's fine.'" "I
love explosive smilies... What does this one mean?? :-$ I have a
money mouth?... I like to eat cash?... I'm so rich that I actually
eat bills instead of lettuce?!?! The money is so delicious." "MC says we have to sell the baby pinatas." "My
wife is a very nice woman, very sweet, and very funny. She always
used to do everything for me, but now I have to do most of it on my own.
I think it's because of her womanchange." "That was pretty bad. I have
to be honest. But nice try." February 2007 "I agree that style #3 may be the best suited for my grass-skirt
needs. I don't know that I would consider the area from my waist to my
knees a high traffic area or a play area, but I do a lot of sitting and
standing... But also the lower density of type 3 might allow for
more freedom of movement." "Remember this - you too will die and become a ghost." "Dude, if you are lonely I found a
site that might bring you the happiness you are looking for www.womenbehindbars.com.
All it takes is a little understanding and being able to sleep with your
eyes open. Enjoy!" "He has multiple skills... He was once extremely talented
at ball-licking until my girlfriend decided that they should be cut off." "Why yes, Chris, we're having a whole
lot of fun." "I also had an irrational fear that my sister's feet were
whales and that Yoda lived under the bed. Clearly I had no concept of
the size of whales and I was unaware that Star Wars took place long, long
ago. I'm not trying to say in any way that her feet were actually the
size of whales." "I can't stop you. You're not
my prisoner." "Oh, you p*ssy. Jesus Christ.
I thought you could do better than that." "Disinfects HIV-1 (AIDS virus), Polio
Virus Types 1 and 2, Influenze A2/Hong Kong Virus, Mycobacterium Tuberculosis
(TB), and Herpes Simplex Virus Types 1 and 2 on Hard, Nonporous, Inanimate
Environmental Surfaces." A bunch of noise from the parade that California
had in honor of my return "You might want to get your cameras
out, we're about to go through Gorst. Gorst consists of a gas station,
a titty bar, and a Subaru dealership." "I'm going to eat more beef and have
fun." "When you have your own fish, you can do whatever you want
with it! You can throw it up in the air and catch it yourself, or
you can even throw it to a friend and have them catch it. You can
throw it to a stranger, but you should probably run away if you do that." "Is Burbank Airport so small that the
planes need to take off straight up?... Since it's near Hollywood,
I'd suspect it's not a real airport at all. It's just a bunch of plywood
flats painted to look like an airport. And then you don't take flights.
They just pitch exciting flight plots to you, telling you how this one
or that one would be a perfect Marlon Wayans vehicle, and try to get you
to sign a six figure option on them." "Mom has a real thing against pinatas... Just thought
you should know... I dunno why... She just has a thing with
them... Maybe she got nailed with a bat by a blindfolded kid once or something...
I always wanted to have one for my birthdays and was never allowed...
and I thought I would tell you so you know that I read your webpage...
so keep it clean." "Did you have a real pinata??
I hope not, they're quite dangerous, you know." "If I ever have a child, I would prefer
it not be a crack baby. If I did drugs, I would not want to have
to share them with my child. You couldn't withhold them as a punishment,
because then you'd be punishing yourself as well. 'Eat your dinner or
no crack for you.' Lana: I love you. "Dude, there are soooo many old ladies
at traffic school. The guy was asking us how much our tickets were,
and this one old lady said $445.00. He asked her what she did and
she said, 'The cop said I ran a red light, but I swear it was yeller.'" "My essay is about free traits and
their benefits and costs to an individual referring to any 2 the the big
5... You're right that's boring, it's actually about dragons...
And how they are better than sharks... My thesis statement is "dragons
rule" and the rest will be pictures of rad dragons." "Can't wait to caress your buttcheeks tonight lover!!!...
I missed your face... All I could talk about at work was
how beautiful you are" "Are you taking care of my delicious
ears?... 'Cause I'm in a nibblin' mood." "'Viva Pinata' party this Saturday morning at my place!" "Seriously, I wish I could do it, I
tried once when I was little, but ya, it was gross, thank gawd it was
in my cousin's backyard and I could runthrough the sprinkler afterwards." "Oh, hey old person... I knew
you were coming 'cause I could smell rot." "Keep your checked luggage to 50 lbs
or less... And original manuscripts are not covered in lost luggage so
leave that novel at home. Thank god they allow dry ice in checked
luggage as long as your luggage clearly says "Dry Ice" or "Carbon
Dioxide, Solid" on the outside. 'Did you pack your luggage yourself?'
"Can you hand me a pizza? Can
you hand me that hot pizza, Daily? " "I remember the day Mr. Rogers died.
At school they announced it over the PA and we were all like, 'Oh my God!'
because Mr. Rogers was our shop teacher... but it turns out it was
the TV personality that died." "I think my favorite part of that scene
might have gone completely unnoticed. While Justin and Danesh were
miming Ethiopa, Graham guessed Fat Camp!" "I used to pretend my bike was a horse
named Rocky... I kept it in the 'barn' / shed." "You are welcome, I like to think of myself as a gentle
soul... Not unlike a Care Bear." January 2007 "Nice firetrucks, junior... Can I borrow
some scissors, Fire Marshall Bill?" "Life without football is just so unfulfilling...
And so is life without sex... But I'd be ok without the sex if I
had football." "Are you invisible?" "We're going to eat and look around,
but it's not going to be for food." "I'm not as efficient and/or grubby
as you are." "Jay, did you eat that dog last night?" "I'm going to destroy you after I'm done with this anthem." "Once I finally found a parking spot
it was time for 8AM Yoga Class. This was a very relaxing and exciting
time trying to blance and do different positions, such as the tree and
the triangle." "My mother likes to call and tell me
things like 'The geese have come back for the winter' or 'I'm afraid the
flowers won't do well with the fluctuating weather' or 'There was a little
girl in a restaurant today and her name was Lucy.' She also likes to call
when she fears I may be trapped by wild fires, snowed in without a heater
or swept into the ocean by a mud slide. She has little notion of the size
or geographical features of California and any news broadcast of doom
featuring any area of the state strikes fear in her heart. She does not
however call to tell me things like my dog was killed by coyotes or a
leg amputation may be imminent." "I guess I have to be more careful
with the emails that I send to you. You’re such a good employee;
you see everyone’s flaws and mistakes." "You have to pretend some kind of paperwork
you were doing tickled you... or there was a typo and it was hilarious...
Like when Mr. Morton in highschool was trying to write annual and kept
writing anal on the board... multiple times... It was more
awkward than funny... The first time was kinda funny, then after
we were like... is he serious?" "If you pass Hatteras, your car will self-destruct." "You're not supposed to have an erection
when a guys sits on your lap." "I went to a party with my boyfriend
- he was thirteen, I was twelve... " "This is going to sound like a rudimentary
question, but I was wondering if you know where the phone jack in my apartment
is." "Thank you for your forgiveness." "I believe I get advanced stage four
metastatic ovarian cancer starting Feb. 8th. It will progress for two
weekends with Saturday matinees as well as evenings. If you can make it
to witness my death, let me know so I can say Hi afterwards." "A shout? Who do you think you are? Carson Daly?" "You don't even need to come to call
backs tomorrow because I have a role for you already." "Oh, that... Umm, I just got
it - don't worry, I haven't used it." "With all their beady little eyes,
and flapping heads so full of lies... Blame Canada!" "I just wish my flag-football team
was younger and hotter... haha!... I'm selfish, I know!... Ugly, old people
need to have fun too!" "Ryan probably wouldn't even tell me he was injured until
he got home because he wouldn't want to worry me. My grandfather turned
down the Purple Heart twice in WWII so he wouldn't worry his family." "Dear Jamie Scheel, It has come
to our attention that your appearance on a daily basis in the office environment
is sloppy and could use improvement. We understand your issues with
cleanliness, which is why the problem has not been brought up before.
However, other employees have been complaining, and we realize something
must be done about it before your stink takes up the entire building.
We appreciate your prompt attention to the matter." "Carniorous animals will not eat another animal that has
been hit by a lightning bolt." "I'm going to harass you." "I love your ears... You have
amazing ears." So many different things from Shmimprov
are my quote today. "You'll like your new desk... It's
big and you'll have a new place to make messy." "Let's hope she took al ot of sweaters, 'cause it gets cold." "We're talking on the phone today...
and he's crying so hard I can barely understand him. He walks out of his
room (while still on the phone) and runs to his mom and says "Mom
<sob, sob>... She's breaking up <sob, sob> with me <sob
sob>"... I swear he almost put her on the phone... Then
he gets back on the phone with me...says (between sobs) he has nothing
else to say... and hangs up!" "I think I love how your brain works... Can we base
a marriage on that?" "Yep... I was wearing my sissy
little girl dress." |
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